I am tested at every turn, all these challenges of mine watched from above. The blessing is the curse. The curse is the blessing. Somewhere in me is the notion that I will succeed in becoming fully realized as a human being, but there are instances along the way where I feel the temptation to surrender to the weakness. Even in succeeding, there is the pride I must not succumb to that I have won, for the victory is never mine; I have only done as I was told, and I am an unprofitable servant, after all is said and done. Most times, in fact, I am worse, one that loses valuable things for my master — little pieces of my soul that I kill, for it is not mine, all that is me. I have been given everything that comprises me, and all that I really can say is my function is to press on with as much will as I can muster. To do as I should, with all of what I am.

All I can do is believe.

upon my pain a rose that blooms in deepest of blood red
for this pilgrim knows only of penitence through his suffering
to understand of strength when buckling under the crushing load

Make me what Thou wouldst have me. I bargain for nothing. I make no terms. I seek for no previous information whither Thou art taking me. I will be what Thou wilt make me, and all that Thou wilt make me. I say not, I will follow Thee whithersoever Thou goest, for I am weak, but I give myself to Thee, to lead me anywhither.

Yes, time and chance happen to us all. Destiny often rides on a small miscue that directs a person one foot from where he would have stood before. And one may find destiny may rely more on what we lose than what we gain. All the while you pine for some small token of childhood (irreplaceable, of course), the way you compensate for the loss moves the gears significantly on their course. One wonders about control, for the things we do not notice add up to more than a butterfly effect upon our futures. But perhaps what Gandhi told us makes sense here: what we do is insignificant, but it is very important that we do it. For all we may be able to achieve is to hold on, sometimes for dear life. Or let go, and see where the wind really goes.

There is always the prospect of what to do if one is alone in the holiday season. Myself, I am not so troubled this year, but I do remember when I was, some years ago. There is always the sense that one is missing out on something if your company merely consists of the person in the mirror. I would first begin by prayer, if one is so inclined. If God is with you, then you surely are not alone. But He lets Himself be known in very scant fashion, it must be said, and this is perhaps a solution for very few. But He may answer the prayers you do send out, so there’s another hope there. The second thing might be to see what one may do to keep oneself busy. This may actually get you all the way through New Year’s. The third thing would be NOT to eat more than you normally would. That’s surely a trap. Drinking (& other nasties) doubly so. The best thing, however: make plans for next year. Join some club, take some class, get some friends! Take how you feel and use it for fuel, not to feel like this again. This you can do; you were just too lazy this year, that is all. And maybe play some video games. In any case, Merry Christmas!

Are we human?
Or are we dancer?

– The Killers

Giorgio De Chirico
Metaphysical Interior with Biscuits

Click on the pic for a larger version.

i thirst, to drink water from another source
eternal pools no man has ever touched
to derive pleasure from so simple a thing
beyond the ecstasies, to pick such flowers
i suffer like everyone, i suffer like no one
i dream of life that can never be, not just so
and yet still the hope that the rain brings

Do not despair: your prayer has been heard.

Jesus was lonely and sorrowful and scared — an unbelievably real person.
                – Scott Peck

There is only one tragedy in the end: not to have been a saint.
                – Léon Bloy

In order to be a realist you must believe in miracles.
                – Henry Christopher Bailey

If we’d been born where they were born and taught what they were taught, we would believe what they believe.
                – A church sign in Northern Ireland

Pain is certain, suffering is optional.
                – Buddha

Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.
                – Yoda

Be bold — and mighty forces will come to your aid.
                – Basil King

I came upon this rather great realization: I am a complete idiot. Really, I am. Someone without a clue in the world, hoping to goodness that he won’t screw things up, but always managing to do so. In a dream, I saw myself in years before, a world away, saw his complete and utter stupidity; I grabbed him and said, “You know the difference between you and me? I know I’m an idiot!” And in things related to that which is above, where my head likes to dwell, we must accept this humility. Only those two types of people: ones who are idiots, and ones who know they are. It is an amazing leveler of pride. For after all, if we think on it, we see that we can scant comprehend anything of the transcendent. We do the best we have without any real idea of what is out there, and since we are so blind, we will inevitably mess things up. So I think there is something of wisdom to understand this — but what do I know, after all, being what I am?

Whilst you are divided betwixt God and the world, you have neither the pleasures of Religion, nor the pleasures of the world, but are always in the uneasiness of a divided state of heart. You have only so much Religion as serves to disquiet you, to show you a handwriting on the wall, to interrupt your pleasures, and to appear as a death’s-head at all your feasts, but not Religion enough to give you a taste and feeling of its pleasures. You dare not wholly neglect Religion, but then you take no more than is just sufficient to keep you from being a terror to yourself, and you are as loath to be very good as you are fearful to be very bad.

fluid is the thought that comes through, and sometimes slippery
notions worth pennies, but some of these pennies are rare coins indeed
dreams a silvery sky that drifts down, quiet, through the moonlight

I just know that something good is going to happen

– Kate Bush

Max Ernst: The Bewildered Planet

Click on the pic for a larger version.

Things have an underlying simplicity which may only reveal itself if one persists in discovering it.

[Book.]

(Is it useful to think in conditional tense? The demon that contends with my thought makes me answer my own questions. Perhaps there is a blessing in that, too. I remember the time, vaguely, when I was so sure of my every action, or at least I pretended to be. And we are what we pretend to be, according to Vonnegut. But even then, was I lost? To decisively go into dead end after dead end — this gets us back to where we started, too. One must think that to experience has some value, or else animals seem to have little worth besides being walking meat; to go, then, in circles lets us know how it is that man must sometimes learn. And the demon that contends with my thought makes me understand what it is to struggle, sometimes to win, sometimes to lose. It may be the seed of its own destruction, evil, is that it is a zero-sum game, and loses fractions at each step in the friction.)