13 Dec 2004

A dream: an interplay of light and shadow that expresses some sort of inner meaning, an exchange of fluid interpretations, an imagining of a world that is unseen: I have not traveled very far, I think, having gone in circles until I am exhausted, waking up and going again toward some untenable achievement. One may ask, where does one speak of why one asks why? For the metawhy is that spirit within us that dreams, as dreams are the commentary of one’s mind about itself. I go to the realm where there are no answers to the questions, except that one understands that within the question itself, there is meaning — that one asks it at all. And I sit and I wonder, under a sky that stares at me with a myriad blind eyes, with a patience that comes from having failed many times over…. A dream: I find what I am looking for, even without knowing what it is I seek, or that I am looking at all.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:03 am

11 Dec 2004

The child in me is far, far within, nowadays. I once felt him so close, beaming just beneath the surface, as if I could turn around and all these years had merely been a dream; but these days, I feel so grown. I feel as if I have lost touch with the innocence — not in a bad way, just that I am not so surprised by things anymore. No, this is not a lamentation. For it is now that I can finally put away childish things, and no longer think as I did when I was a child. In fact, it has been too long in coming, if anything. It is not that my sense of wonder is gone, but that it has grown with me: though it needs to sense more to activate, when it does, it perceives that much the greater than one of a child’s. Do not be sad when the child grows, do not long for things that can no longer be yours. It is one of those things that are so very hard to learn, but so very worth it when we do: when we can move on, get on with life, get on with living, grow up. It is not dying, not at all like I had thought it would be, back when looked through a child’s eyes to what might be.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:04 am

10 Dec 2004

Fire, Light, Love

Fire: I have imagined God as a heart ablaze in holy light,
that none may behold except they go blind in wonder.
Light: I have glimpsed the barest of His infinity, saw
how utterly insignificant my greatest glory is to His,
and if love itself loves us, how utterly invincible we.
Love: I have walked these miles under a sky wider
than any thought I could ever have, and I fathom
not at all how something so small as I could in
the slightest matter, till I think how big is He.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:05 am

9 Dec 2004

The uncertainty… lies always in the intellectual region, never in the practical. What Paul cares about is plain enough to the true heart, however far from plain to the man whose desire to understand goes ahead of his obedience.

– George MacDonald

posted by John H. Doe @ 3:34 am

There is so much of the world that confuses me as one who believes, which I look and I question why these things must be. If I try and hold in my head these conundrums, logic finds no footing by which it may approach the heart of the matter, and I go down mental pathways that dead end, or that step out into empty space. My head spins with too many opinions, all saying (somehow simultaneously) the same thing and things opposite from one another. Some people can hold contradictions in their heads, somehow, but I don’t seem to be one of them. I think, however, I may of these matters make the best of things. Perhaps to me, they are the call to a simple faith, one not concerned with the deepnesses of truth, one that says for the complexities of how things are as they are, simply, “I don’t know.” For I know why I believe, my personal evidence is enough to justify my faith — and I have tested these things enough to make me secure. I need not try and conjure the philosophy of angels, need not have the desire to prophesy. Too easily does one get lost where such tangles run deep.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:09 am

7 Dec 2004

There is that twinge, when we do something we know is wrong, or is at least “iffy” — and that feeling itself is something of a second chance. For he is not dead in spirit who still feels the regret; he kills himself when he ignores that twinge, when he purposefully suffocates it. Those who feel guilty are not less so, but those who squelch the realization of that guilt compound their sin. And of course, the best thing to do when we feel that twinge is to take it to heart — as John the Baptist said in a dramatic fashion, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.” When you combine that with Our Lord’s “the Kingdom of Heaven is within you,” we may say with somewhat less flourish: be sorry, because you never want to not to feel that feeling: the good in you, speaking up: it is one small reason your sins may be forgiven.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:11 am

6 Dec 2004


is merely a state of mind.
can send one higher than
the farthest any stray cloud may wander.
Love, I think,
is better rocket propellant
than any hydrogen and oxygen fuel tank
was ever equipped to hurtle man to the outer heights.
And one wonders
at the time man envied birds,
for it was always in us to discover spaces
no flighted creature could ever dream of approaching,
of slipping past not only gravity, but desire itself — to the secret of light.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:04 am

4 Dec 2004

I am not the most conservative of we who call ourselves Christians, I must say. I believe in reaching out to other religions in tolerance, and that we cannot take upon us models of behavior from the totality of the Bible as written, some thousands of years ago (for instance, slaves are mentioned profusely in the Old Testament). But there is acceptance of new ideas, and then there is allowing the nullification of the faith’s essence — one point I where I must make a stand, and I will say it straight. He who does not believe in the resurrection of the Christ cannot rightly be called a Christian. For he does not then follow the Son of God, but merely some great teacher named Jesus. Some things, I think, are non negotiable when one talks of faith. That is my line in the sand, that which I cannot cross without — as far as all things that matter — losing it all. One may find we all have such a line: be careful where you put yours.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:33 am

3 Dec 2004

I begin to understand how unworthy I am. There are a million things in this present moment of which I am unaware, or only vaguely, even in my cognizing that this must be the case: a million things that sustain me, a million things that I am so used to I can count scant few — on my two hands, if I were pressed. Thus is the world that we live in. What a thing is life, that dawn comes in from the outer dark, the sky shelters these frailties called humanity, the earth grows with abundant sustenance — not merely of body, but of mind, and of spirit. I begin to understand that I have in no way earned the least of these gifts, could not think to offer payment for this bodily life in any service I might be able to perform: are not even my renderings of any art a gift to me, too? I behold this moment and wonder why I ever complained that it was not perfect. No, this world is not perfect: we inevitably fall short of the promise we are born with — while all the while, the million things (of every second) that sustain us hold true, keep us being, give our lives a second chance, every time.

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:07 am

2 Dec 2004

No doubt the gospel is quite free, as free as the Victoria Cross, which anyone can have who is prepared to face the risks; but it means time, and pains, and concentrating all one’s energies upon a mighty project. You will not stroll into Christlikeness with your hands in your pockets, shoving the door open with a careless shoulder. This is no hobby for one’s leisure moments, taken up at intervals when we have nothing much to do, and put down and forgotten when our life grows full and interesting… It takes all one’s strength, and all one’s heart, and all one’s mind, and all one’s soul, given freely and recklessly and without restraint. This is a business for adventurous spirits; others would shrink out of it. And so Christ had a way of pulling up would-be recruits with sobering and disconcerting questions, of meeting applicants — breathless and panting in their eagerness — by asking them if they really thought they had the grit, the stamina, the gallantry, required. For many, He explained, begin, but quickly become cowed, and slink away, leaving a thing unfinished as a pathetic monument of their own lack of courage and of staying power.

– A. J. Gossip

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:26 am

In the Dark

When I cry out and nothing happens, I may say
it is the proof that there is no God, no Heaven.
But once, my father left me alone in the dark
so that I would see there is nothing that could
hurt me there. When I cried out, and no one came,
I did not doubt he was somewhere, loved me still….

posted by John H. Doe @ 12:02 am

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